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this journal entry posted on December.05.2005 by AMPro
Now that I'm all old and what not, my birthday's not much of a big to do. Rosemary Soffin always remembers. She left a great phone message on the answering machine. So that would have been enough I guess. I would have said, "that's one person that remembers, that's enough."
Except, now... Now I have Heather. Heather has been everything to me over my last four birthdays. I had just met her just in time to my birthday as I was turning 32 so for my birthday I got to go from feeling like I had no one to feeling like I finally understood what this whole love business was all about. Then for my next birthday she saved my sanity by advocating for me in the hospital and preventing them from all the thousands more in medical bills that they had in mind for me if I wouldn't have had someone to get them to stop. I couldn't get their attention being all laid up in the bed like that, so she was willing to be my legs and find them and get them to release me.
Heather is just awesome. And I so totally love her.
This year, my birthday was sort of like take your roommate to work day. My boss was really looking for more workers and so Jesse came down to try out with the tire throwing. It didn't really work out. He's not in tire throwing shape. I didn't get to load as many trucks as I'd have liked because I was showing him what's what, but that's okay. If it would have worked out I'd have been really glad that I slowed down to show him, so it was worth a shot. So we didn't end up becoming a two income household, Jesse was still unemployed and relying on unemployment income, but I was just glad that my checks kept going up and I was going to be able to finally get to a few credit card bills.
When I got home, Heather had sent me an email with another voice recording in it. Because that's how we do. Me and Heather are poor. A lot. We agreed long ago that we wouldn't buy each other stuff, and I'm glad we did. I think we may have started that because we met right after her birthday and right before mine and I had asked her for a "creative gift". Best things in life are free kind of stuff. And that's what we've been doing since. Putting ourselves into gifts and sending them when we can. Not just waiting for special occasions, but just sending I love you gifts when we're feeling it. When we finally get around to being not poor, I hope we still do it the same way. They say chocolate makes you feel loved. Wiggles some chemical whoozawhats i your brain and such and stimulates your love centers. I always used to eat chocolate trying to figure out what love felt like. Man. Chocolate doesn't make me feel loved. Heather makes me feel loved. People, humans, relationships, that stuff is where it's at.
I think about her all the time. The other day I was trying to pin it down in my mind and articulate to myself what the love business is all about.
For me, having grown up an only child that got his way nearly all the time, relationships were an extension of that. I would have relationships with women and I would always have my mental powers at work trying to figure out how to get my way in all things all the time. I had a pretty high success rate too. I am a nice enough and effectionate enough boyfriend that I could just create this sence of obligation.
Being with Heather is so easy. If there's ever a disagreement on how to proceed, I can just sit back and say "we'll do it her way." Whoever's way we go with doesn't matter. The mind games in past relationships were such a waste of energy. Mind games in general are such a waste of energy. They must have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now they're not needed. And it's an unexpected relief to be free from them. We've done things Heather's way tons of times, and it works out. I not only feel that it's okay to do things her way, but I feel like there's even a good chance her way will work out even better than my way. I feel safe in her hands. Things that I've thought were absolutely insane and had to be dragged into totally against my will... they've worked out for me. These days, I'm a bigger fan of her way than she is. Her way hasn't always been working out for her personally so much lately. But in continues working wonders for me.
This post probably has a lot more words in it than I ever intended. And it still doesn't begin to convey what I set out to express. The fact that so many people that know and care about me don't understand precicely why Heather is such a huge part of the rest of life strikes me as some sort of failure on my part. The fact that she herself doesn't seem to understand what she means to me or why, a bigger one still.
2006 will have to about fixing this. I love her so much, and she has so many great ideas and so much potential to give to the world, what she has to suffer is just unacceptable. So something has to change.
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